|Potential has an Expiration Date.
||[Sep. 25th, 2008[Snapshot Taken]01:34 pm]
It’s a very, very slow Thursday at work. The entry I wanted to post was lost somewhere in the transition from work to home—on a thumbdrive, or something smaller than a micro-chip. A very small droplet. |
The boss is away from town. Our secretary is asleep, except for when she wants to yell and me and my associate. You can set your clock by what she’s doing at all times of the day. In a few minutes, she’ll be wheeling herself from her front table (very scarcely decorated with whatever she believes she’s identified herself with in this miserable life of hers)…a small postcard of a Japanese Kabuki, a child that is not hers…and loads of our files that are either defunct, or that are being withheld from us, because the boss has to see it first.
Yeah, I felt sorry for her for about a minute, and then after criticizing and berating me for putting my post-it notes in the wrong spot, or billing for “letters” instead of “correspondence” or some such banal insignificance, I quickly grew weary of her. We don’t speak except when I have to tell her the mandatory “good morning,” otherwise she takes this as the greatest rebuke. Not as if it helps…no matter how much I try and perfect my job, she will not grow to like me. She resents her life too much to feel any sort of camaraderie unless it is for her own benefit.
I guess that all the stuff I’ve been doing for the past year (more thoroughly explained in the lost post which I promise to search for) has been keeping me away from my thoughts…literally. I’ve quieted them down so that I could focus on matters that would produce MONEY. That’s the trouble. I am not a very superficial girl, although I love clothes. But money = food, stability, vacations…
and all that.
Kirk has gotten married! Remember my ex-boyfriend? The one I couldn’t get rid of? He’s up and found a model: http://ciaracreates.multiply.com/photos
I don’t resent that. In fact, I am very happy for him. He was a good man, for someone else, which is almost always the case unless it’s the one.
My best friend Gisele has also gotten married:
Gisele has accepted a job offer from a top ten lawfirm that’s international. She left for China right after her wedding. That’s another relationship that I don’t get to nurture. The big ones just keep disappearing from me. Like my girlfriends from college…they left for New York. I was invited last minute to their going away party, but until now, I haven’t written or called them.
They probably think it’s because I’ve moved on. That’s not the case at all…I’m still suck where we left off, like a bookmark, a pause button, the television on mute. I am helpless to reach out.
What’s worse, is that I don’t even think they know that about me.
One of my best friends, Zack, from grade school, is leaving for Portland Oregon. I almost told him, in fact, I did tell him, I wasn’t going to his going away party. I changed my mind shortly thereafter. He came to my birthday and bar graduation party. Why wouldn’t I lend him the same respect?
Here he is (from left to right) Dorinda—she’s a dominatrix—me, Zack, and Jeremy.
So I’m going to his and Dorinda’s place this Friday to say goodbye to an era.
Back to the marriage thing…what do these women have that I don’t? I often wonder about that. I have so many friends who got married this year. I’ve been to so many weddings I’ve used all my gowns twice in rotation. My co-worker got married…oh, that’s another story, told under separate cover. Me and Charlie didn’t go to that one, though…for various reasons. By the way, I think my co-worker is stealing my prescription pills. Ever since I confessed I was taking them.
My one? Well, he’s waiting. At first I became desperate. I pushed the bill so hard it flew out of sight. But the longer he waited, the more I began to discover myself in the process. The waiting is the best part…besides, weddings are expensive. The vacations and nights at home watching scary movies have been priceless.
Here is me and Charlie at dinner in Palm Springs.
At the Redondo pier with my family, eating crabs.
Building a home with our cat.
It would be unrealistic to up and move away, just because you’re not hitched.
He’s a good man. He’s said he promised himself he would wait until he was 30 to get married, and that’s respectable. Especially since he’s been working so hard. His main focus has been work. He’s even been on the news:
Charlie says my friends are getting married so quickly because they’re getting married just to get married. Me and Charlie have things, too. Like “Taco Tuesday,” and Thursdays, like today, are our “Date Nights.” I bought a new outfit this past weekend and saved it for today, Thursday.
My psychiatrist has been telling me that I’m in perfect mental health. Until I told him what happened with my co-worker. He says I still need to work on my insecurities, and that I need to go back to therapy. Yeah, I scoffed, if it had all the time and money in the world to work on myself. But there’s a whole world to explore, other than the cavernous maze that makes up a person. I figure, if I’m meant to figure it out, than I will. I’d feel crazy asking the same questions over and over again, awaiting a different response.
My issues are that I’m far too nice…especially for an attorney. I need to buckle up my self-esteem, “strap it on,” as it goes. But fear is both a sword and a shield. I have to make these phone calls everyday, and I think I’m getting better at communication. I try to make the calls out of earshot of my office mates. Just me and the unseen person at the other end. I’m good with strangers, and that’s where all my troubles come from.
It’s good to hear from you all.